19.
i have the very best farmers-grid-road kind of secret and limbs that can stretch outwards as wide as i want, my wingspan is ridiculious, and it doesn’t make him love me less, and i am falling so deep it is consuming me in a whole new way.
i can’t wait for everything that is about to happen! i keep on thinking of the two words: skeleton and key.
everything is so new and exciting.
18
tuesday - last day of work, and peacin’ out to moose jaw and my boyfriends arms on at 5 o’clock followed by my impending unemployment doom
wednesday - more drew!
thursday - following megan and samantha back to saskatoon for a girls night
friday - megan’s birthday party extravaganza!!
17.
why do i fall in love with every stranger that i meet? i always end up disapointed. i have to stop believing that every single person in the world is housing such an amazing potential in there heart? i am all about grande gestures. they are never reciprocated. i’d drive across town in the middle of the night for a boy that touched my hand, or weasel in awkward conversation i with a boy who put my arms around his neck while we were dancing. nobody is ever going to love me as much as i will love them, and maybe it is just long overdue that i try to learn to live with that. i’d drop everything if anybody would let me, and i am having a hard time deciding if that is pathetic or not.
and furthermore, last night my boyfriend avoided conversation with me when i needed him, he claimed he was tired but, he loved me. sometimes i would rather have love shown to me instead of three words that are easy to spill out of your pores, i forget what love feels like during our weeks apart. long distance shit.
16.
everyone is an asshole.
15.
my friend was driving today and she had to pull over to the side of the road so i could throw up. i heaved out the car door when a family was getting out of their van to go for a walk by the river.
happy easter.
14.
i just keep on trying to make sense of everything that i am doing and why i do it. i am trying to remember which pair of arms are attached to which set of words and how they feel when they hug me, but it is so hard. so i trace a neck, a jaw, cuddle up in bed. freckle after freckle and failed attempts, empty a bottle and drink paralyzers out of empty jam jars at a bar decorated in a mexican theme. my heart is expanding, but the real truth is. the big truth is. is. this. this. is. it. i have no idea how to be happy.
that sunday sinking feeling.
13.
also, i got laid off.
12.
my boyfriend forgave me after a string of words fell out of me while i was sitting crosslegged on the kitchen floor in front of him, he smiled a real smile when i explained myself and then he kissed me. everything is back to normal.
except.
my best friend is in love with me, admitting it after all these years. and i am way to scared to face him. i take everything he says as a personal attack.
he gets drunk and texts me,
“i love you, i am not ashamed” and a lot of other things, probably twenty things. all similiar, all with the same meaning.
my phone is off and under my passenger seat. i am inside having sex and i don’t know how to reply.
when i do reply he says
“it is old news”
we are all so sick of talking.
11.
i cheated on my boyfriend with my best friend.
